desiring to see you as you are

"and after my skin has been destroyed, I will see God, I myself will see him"

lord,
give my heart the tranquility to wait.
so i wouldnt obscure your meanings and ways
with my own haste to understand and be healed.

give me the grace to dwell in my processes,
weaknesses and struggles,

do not let me hurry past my dark hours

so that they leave me as unlearned as i was
entering them.

let me in my darkness know that you are light
in my desert know that you are water
in my hopelesness that you are hope
and in my death that you are alive.

so that not only my ears would have heard
but my eyes seen
and heart grasped.

gazing the unseen

father i know there is more to this than
what meets the eye

though it is not i saying now
i once was blind now i see,

instead i say: rip of the veil of reality
so i could see
what truly is.

let me see behind this curtain
that so firmly tells me how hopeless, dark and desperate things are.

hearing more than its been said, seeing beyond what is shown,
show me your realms.

im tired of these shows
filling the measures
being more
than is warranted

not sure where i stand
what i feel
who i am

wanting more and more
to escape
these fake spotlights

trade these laces and frills
for reality

and i know
you see right through

lead me to the light

psalms of laura

during last month or so Ive been going through quite a hard time. felt a bit fragile and stuck in the middle of silence for a long time. then God started to give me some words and prayers. I thought Id share them, and maybe you can read between the lines how I have been lately. though now, the spring is starting to show signs in my life.

fragile.
i love you lord
need you
and am nothing without you i know

and still my jesus
my heart is hard
my mind busy

im empty of deeds,
not knowing the ways

undone.

and i do not know what is left.

can i even try to reach you with words,
with anything.

maybe it is you,
teaching me again
its not about me

so here i am, an empty shell

not able to carry out
the good i desire

but all of this is yours.

crazykind of easter

holiday. sweet.

Ive washed feet,
had communion,
eaten,
soaked,
seen my nieces,
cried,
talked with mum,
danced country and made applepie in a mormonchurch,
dumpsterdived infront of the neurological research centre,
prayed,
been to a prayerroom,
practised hearing Jesus´voice,
talked and analyzed,
seen the movie walk the line (recommend),
walked,
laughed,
enjoyed.