stillness

in these still waters
its there where I learn

in these windless sails
these emotionless phases

learning to trust.
knowing you are.

praising, for you are the one who is.

the great I AM.

the great I AM, king of the nations,
and yet a mindful of me.

caring for this stillness in my life
carrying through
looking with eyes flamed with love

and I wait
for the roar of your voice
for the wind of your spirit
for the emotions from your heart.
wanting to be flamed.

knowing you are.

about the training and school

so my practical training in one of Helsinkis lutheran congregations has started. week behind, six to go. God gave me some attitude forming couple of days before I started.
All this processing and re-thinking church has a danger to create an arrogant attitude in my heart towards "the traditional church" (or how ever I should call it, anyways)
Ive wanted to get rid of those arrogant thoughts, carrying them to God. then one evening I was listening to a song, where a guy sang something like this: sitting in this waiting room, Lord I know that if I change my mind, you will change my heart in time.

then during the next days after that God spoke to me about my practical training through few friends. and it was kind of amazing. you know, when the Holy Spirit comes and shows you your sins, but not in a way that condemns or puts you down. its not possible for me to create a pure heart within, but as I carry the thoughts to God and have a willing spirit and heart, He does the job in his time. thanks Jesus.

and I just love my friends who have the wisdom to encourage and even rebuke me a bit when its needed :) As Ive probably written earlier, Ive had some serious trouble to find my motivation to study this autumn. wondering if I am only wasting time sitting in this school where I am at. but as I wrote to a friend in a letter I sent him, Ive started to think that this is my time in the desert before going in front of pharaoh, my years in jail before being what was dreamed and years being a shepherd before being what I was anointed for. (not that I seriously think that the school is as bad as a jail, but I quess you get the picture) and I quess its not a waste of time. And yes, I know that if I am in Gods timing, anything isnt a waste of time. ever.

a little moment with the bible

I read the bible in the train this morning, from john 13.
Jesus washes the disciples feet.
and two things striked me.
it says that Jesus knew that everything, all the power in the world, had been given unto him.
SO he washes the feet of his disciples.
now thats humble. he has all the power, he could basically do whatever he wanted, and he kneels down and washes feet! and also, he knew who is going to betray him, and still he washes Judas´ feet also. Jesus, give me a heart like that.

I once heard a thought that went something like this;
if the thing you are going to do is not the water that washes peoples feet, do something else.

party and having fun

had one of the greatest weekends.
we had a small party at our place. me and my flatmates milka and tytti.
it was great. nice people,good food, warm atmosphere, lots of candles.
we should really have more partys.
then sunday was so fun! we piled our clothes together and dressed each other.
(like this grown-up barbie thing :)) milka became a hippie, tytti kind of a hip hopper and I was a kind school girl. then I wore tyttis clothes and tytti wore mine. it was hilarious. cause our styles are really different. I hope the photos turn out ok, so I can put some here as well.

then I met anu later in the evening. and felt so blessed cause of it. her gentle spirit really refreshed me. and Jesus spoke through her also about my practical training. Ive been in an attitude school with that.. maybe Ill share about it later.

this is what I wrote

yesterday we had this fellowship-evening with friends.

one of us had planned the evening, and told us what to do :)

each of us took a blank paper, made a picture on it that would describe ones personality and wrote down words or sentences describing as well.

then everyone introduced the picture, read the words and after that prayed for herself as the others blessed and heard what God would maybe want to say to the person praying. it was such a cool night! first of all it was quite a challenge to introduce the words and picture, and to pray for yourself out loud as others were listening :) but it was a good challenge. then God did really speak to us (suprising :)) it was really cool to see how we funcioned as a body! thanks Jesus.

and well, here is what I wrote:

the one who is known by God

laura.

resteless heart, thoughts, mind and feet.

owned by Jesus, at home everywhere and nowhere.

beautiful bold insecure sensitive strong weak

needs love, gives love (learning)

Fathers daughter, has faith, wants to dive in, trust

smile hearing ear ability to be present

also the danger to draw separate with wounds

a person a miracle loved important

only one able to be me. me me me, laura.

and allowed to have faith in that.

in many ways

this weekend I met most of my familymembers. and again realized how much I love them. and the fact how hard it is to meet them, cause I sense we live in quite different worlds. but yes, I do enjoy spending time with them, even being teased by them, as being the youngest in our family.
I spent one and a half hours in a car with my youngest older brother and it was a good one and a half hours. God spoke to me. through my bro and the music he listened. again I woke up to realize, that as I am waiting for my brother to come to know Jesus, I am waiting for him to pick up these patterns of life or something. I heard and saw that Jesus is defenitely working in his life, and what I could do, would be to join that work, release it and encourage him. and again I found I have very little means to do it. wheter it comes to muslims, shivas, or "normal" finnish guys, I need something new. the good old "Jesus loves you" doesnt weigh much in their scales.

wine

a friend prayed for me and had the image of wine.
about the aging and maturing process. how there really is no short cut for it.
(God, are you actually trying to talk me in to enjoying the journey..?)
I checked some stuff from the net about winemaking, and found it quite interesting.
these kind of things;

HARVEST
Weather is a major factor is determining whether a year is going to be a "good vintage" (or "year"). For example, was there enough heat during the growing season to lead to enough sugar? At harvest time, the short-term effects of weather are quite important. To produce great wine, the fruit should have a high (but not overly high) sugar content (brix). As the fruit dries, the water evaporates. What is left is the sugary fruit. If it rains just at the point the wine grapes are ready, and before the grapes can be harvested, the additional water will cause the water level to increase, and the brix will go down. Not good. (You might ask, why not just add some sugar in the wine making process? Some do. Also considered "not good.")
Every year the wine grape grower plays a game of chance and must decide when to harvest. Simplistically, if you knew it wasn't going to rain, you would just test the brix until it was just right, then harvest. If you harvest too soon, you will probably end up getting a wine too low in alcohol content (there won't have been enough sugar to convert to alcohol). These wines will be "thin." If you delay harvest, there may be too much sugar, which leads to too low acid content. This also affects the taste (and the aging possibilities) of the wine.

WINERY AGING
The winery may then keep the wine so that there can be additional clarification and, in some wines, to give it a more complex flavors. Flavor can come from wood (or more correctly from the chemicals that make up the wood and are taken up into the wine).
The wine may be barrel aged for several months to several years. No air is allowed to enter the barrels during this period.
Ignoring any additional processing that might be used, you could empty the barrels into bottles and sell your wine. However, during the winery aging, the smaller containers may develop differences. So the winemaker will probably "blend" wine from different barrels, to achieve a uniform result. Also, the winemaker may blend together different grape varieties to achieve desired characteristics.

so thats the process Im in. it blesses me, that I am not the one deciding when the harvest is ready in my life and when Im aged enough :)

Hebrews 10:35-39 says
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him." But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

really wondering

we had these lectures in school today.
old men and women came together to talk about christian upbringing.
I drew a picture of well-dressed ladies and gents and wrote down their
fancy words. and next to that I drew a hippie, a punk and a gothic girl.
and wrote down

"Really, what did you go out to see? A man dressed in fancy clothes? See, those who wear fine clothes and live in luxury are in royal palaces."
except insted of royal palaces I wrote seminars.

then I wrote: "we must stop loving in word and in tongue, but instead love in action and in truth."
and I sat there trying to imagine what would happen if Jesus would step in to the class.
also wondered if there is something really wrong with me, my attitude and thoughts, or is it something I am allowed to feel. this frustration when almost all I hear is about religion, upbringing and tradition. (I guess I am allowed to feel it. one thing is what I do with the feeling. and well, its the cross-fire ,I guess, what makes me feel uncertain with what is right. like what comes from men and what from God)

lately Ive struggled with myself quite a lot. my sense of being worth of something. my ability to live in the freedom of God and to love people. and Ive found out it really doesnt rise very good out of guilt. no, doesnt work. maybe it would be useful to try out grace and Gods love next.

and then, sitting in these lectures it makes me re-re-rethink my studies. am I actually ment to be here, listen to these kind of lectures? am I here out of obedience or out of fear of really stepping out in faith? I can only hope in the fact that Jesus sees my heart and the fact I so so so want to do what He wants me to do.
thats about it from my perspective.

maybe God is more concerned on the bigger picture. maybe I can see this all as a practical training to actually just do stuff without feeling like it. learning to be committed to things I dont feel like loving so much. learning to discern through being totally helpless in it. (isnt that a part of the weird math of the kingdom -loose and you find, die and you live ) learning to be dependant on God and so on. yes, he knows what He is doing.
and I guess this all works up for the freedom I so long. that I myself could be brought out of the box. out of the obsession to put God in a box.
there is something that really draws me in these two verses, something I long to grasp.

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Ecc11:5

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. Joh 3:8

the boxthing again

the joy of the journey

Jesus has lately been talking to me through different people
about my lack of patience.
how I am too eager to get to the goal, and skip the process and journey to get there.
I think it goes with this "learning to work with a family, not being individualistic"-thing.
cause it many times would be so "easy" to do things by yourself, know they would be done and move onwards. like last weekend we talked about this leadership question -one leader, or people figuring things out together. ok, not so say there is no need for a "leader" but I am still in search of the meaning of it. anyways, of course it would be an easy answer for one leader to tell what to do, but is that the point? to get to the result as quick as possible?
and also with my life, I think I need the grace from God to know how to live in a moment more. there is a time for everything, seasons. and I do know that all these stages of my life are needed, so I totally welcome all the longwinded roads of processes, stumblings, slow teamworks and all that! familize me God. (making up words again I guess.)

weary one coming

weekend over. Im so tired, in every way.
tired of processing and standing in this cross-fire between different messages I see and hear.
Jesus, let me rest in the shade of your cross.
restore my soul,
discern things for me.

just a bit about family

last weekend stirred up something with this idea about family.
I was quite shocked to realize how hard it is for me to be able to live as a family.
I spent some time with my mum, and we ended up talking about our family patterns.
when I was younger and still lived home, and all my brothers and sister as well,
we actually quite rarely had time together. even the lunches were taken seperately,
cause everyone had their own schedules. I always thought it as a bad thing, when my friends had to be home at a certain time to have lunch together as a family. recently I have started to realize that its a weird way of thinking. hmm, I really need to learn how to be able to live as a family, as a community and as a team.

and then it has been funny to see this phenomenon (that is by the way one of my favourite words in english :)) of being clueless to spread more in my life. I just had a talk with my dear dear friend and we had this kind of sin-confessing situation. and really, I had no idea how to act. cause it was something conserning our relationship. but well, its so refreshing to live openly, or learning it anyway.
one could almost feel depressed seeing how hard it is sometimes to live according to the Word cause of these learned patterns and cultural things but well, maybe I take them as an exciting new experiences rather than depressing failures :)
thanks Jesus for teaching your body how to function!

there is a ce-gathering in berlin in november. I got the invitation. but I havent got the courage to actually ask about it from Jesus, cause I have no idea what I would do if He would say I need to apply. I guess I would then apply, but after that I would really be in trouble with all the practical stuff. well, you know Father.
but hooray, I am going to turku (its a city on the coast) today. its nice to get away from these normal circles for a while. and see lovely friends and sisters.

just some flow

so easy to escape to this mind of mine,
to hide, wander around in thoughts.
not to really meet anyone.
not to be wounded or to wound.
saying excuses, blaming the culture, mood
and patterns.
and why did you make me for?
to stay whole, unbreakable, unsheakable?
or to live?

and realize the freedom to just be this silly young woman from finland.
that you can actually do your things through this, who is even so unsure how to live her own life.
not needing to be a big prophet, a strong leader, a mighty warrior.
can I just be nobody Jesus, please just let me be nobody.
live in no need to be able to measure up,
try hard to grasp your guidance.

ramadan

ramadan started today, and well, in mecca it started yesterday.
just in case someone doesnt know, its the month for muslims,
when they fast from food, drink, sex, smoking during daylight.

so, just if you have a lack of things to pray for, maybe throw in few prayers for the muslims. that Jesus could be really active in showing himself during this time of ramadan. many are really sincerely looking for God. lets pray, that they could then find Him.

boxing

I got a bit frustaretd in school today.

maybe even too much.

out of it I made this series of pictures.

maybe with a bit of frustrated irony going around. theology is really a funny thing. what is it actually about? and how much is it needed? I really dont feel like conentrating on the theology, if I cant see faith changing my life. I am tired of words. or should I say I am tired of only words. the Kingdom isnt a matter of talk, but a matter of power. is it so in my life? oh my goodness I need Jesus.

weekeng gone

the "family of God" meeting was interesting. 5 young people, two kids and about 10 adults.
talking about the reformation and church and so on.
and it basicly just felt like talking. I really missed the sense of just living it. It was really weird, I realized that the thing about spiritual mothers and fathers and being able to be a daughter are quite deeper than I thought. and well, basicly just realized that I am quite clueless when it comes to living as the body of Christ.
but well, in the end I did have the chance to practise being transparent and open. (and oh boy its hard. it would be so much easier to carry your own loads, stay in a room and cry alone. cause you really dont want to bother anyone, and does anyone even care? yep,real body-thinking..)
I think my purpose to go to this weekend was to go and cry in front of these people and create a quite akward situation where no one quite knows what to do or say. sometimes I really enjoy being clueless. maybe we need to be able and willing to stand on that ground, not to really know what to do, in between the old and the new. not wanting to act in the old patterns of doing stuff, not yet knowing exactly how things are intended to work. I guess that is where faith steps in. and the real need for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

then today was nice. I saw annemaria (from norway). we had a moment on the airport to share and pray. it was so encouraging just to see annemaria, her smile and passion for Jesus and prayer and her community. she also gave me a cd, that has really blessed me. there are quite a lot of songs conserning freedom and being who God made you to be. makes me smile.